Travis LaFrance: Undercover with Republican Singles, Part One

September 01, 2004

Undercover with Republican Singles, Part One

I hold an account with the Republican online dating site ConservativeMatch.com, which purports to deal in "sweet hearts not bleeding hearts," and requires applicants to agree/disagree with such questionnaire statements as,"The homosexual lifestyle is immoral" and "Cutting taxes is generally good for the economy." With my never-ending parade of paramours, I of course have no need for such matchmaking—I use the site strictly for research.

But when early this week I received an email invitation for an "rooftop cocktail party for Republican singles," I accepted. After all, why deprive an entire female demographic of my rugged company simply because my robust politics—applauded by all countries that participate in the Kyoto Protocols—are demonized as "liberal" by the Babbittry here at home?

So I cleaned up—dragged a razor across my face and unearthed my suede bucks, khakis, and a blue oxford shirt. But before I could reach the 41st floor of the midtown apartment where such a costume would be de rigueur, I first had to run Williamsburg's Bedford Ave gauntlet—that mean street of the green-haired agitator and art student with ironic moustache.

"Go home, fascist," someone muttered as I passed.

I untucked and unbuttoned my oxford, revealing a suitably stained undershirt, and continued on my way, unharassed. When I emerged at Herald Square I ran another gauntlet—this one of weary cops, eyes on the last straggling protestors and fingers tapping on their billy clubs. I quickly fixed my shirt and headed uptown.

I suppose I was expecting Gatsby's mansion, and couldn't help but to be a bit disappointed by the hot apartment cramped with adults whom we can assume did not belong to the "cool crowd" in high school. On the upside, we had a stunning view of the Empire State Building bathed in red, white, and blue, plus open bar and free finger-food.

I took a look at my fellow singles. The men huddled in tight cliques and groused about John Kerry's treasonous behavior and the media's leftist agenda. "Liberals don't want to debate," announced a fellow with a Ronald Reagan insignia on his golf shirt. "They just want to tell you how they feel."

I determined that Conservative Match may shortly need to reconsider its opposition to the homosexual lifestyle—not simply to accommodate the muscled lads who'd arrived in snug trousers and upturned collars on their polo shirts apparently still under the quaint impression they were straight—but because even with generous portions of alcohol, with the current boy-girl ratio, only a smattering of the men would "match" tonight with a woman, while the majority would be left to their own, um, devices.

Almost immediately a woman approached me (we can't blame her) and told me she was "in education," before which she'd been "in the arts," in a discipline she later specified as "apparel design." I was feeding from the plastic tray of crustless sandwich triangles harpooned to olives with toothpicks, and when I told her that I was an author, stringing together my modest fees for a living, but surviving chiefly on the nourishment that comes from international acclaim, she suddenly had to go get a refill in the kitchen, and did not return.

I skewered another sandwich and rethought my strategy.

Stay tuned for Part Two in which:

I gain access to the roof!
Republican bachelors harass cute NPR reporter because they "don't trust any station that doesn't accept advertisements"
I discuss the Marquis de Sade with a woman of traditional values.

Posted by Travis LaFrance at September 1, 2004 08:44 AM

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