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The Young Republicans made a solid showing at last night's bi-partisan mating and drinking ritual held at the The Tank in Hell's Kitchen. A few of them were easily identified by oxford shirts or the occasionally bold t-shirt slogan such as "Real Men Love Bush," but by and large the Republicans were indistinguishable from the sweaty mass of New Yorkers swilling beer on a 90-degree summer night. Which I suppose is part of the reason they are so dangerous.

Drinkers were asked to self-identify with either a red or blue plastic cub to house your $3 can of Bud. (For those of you not from New York, that's a eyebrow-raising bargain in these parts.) One of the event's organizers estimated that the Republicans made up for 25% of attendees, a statistic confirmed by an early run on blue cups. Earlier in the night I'd established my neutrality and refinement by drinking a Brooklyn Lager straight from the bottle, but by midnight I'd switched to the cheaper brew and was forced to take it in the red cup of The Man.

As for the assortment of Republican ladies to choose from, it was a bust. This New York Young Republicans Club is strictly a sausage affair and, more to power to them, these future plunderers of the commons had descended on this event to prey on the chicks sporting pro-choice buttons, just like the Catholic Italian men cruise the Mediterranean beaches in springtime in quest of the godless, liberated Swedes.

I can't vouch for their success.

I was frankly relieved to not have the temptation of the conservative ladies, as my many affairs with these girls of virtue follow the same pattern of ecstasy, remorse, additional ecstasy, heartbreak:

"But Travis, you'll never be rich!" they invariably cry.

"And you, my dear, shall never need money."

But it can never be resolved, and I end up leaving the estate through the servant's entrance, bedroll on my back, as my lover watches and weeps from her father's study.

So I avoided this trap and instead struck up a conversation with a leggy Blue Cup holder. She was thin, comely, clad in black, holder of a hyphenated last name and an ivy league degree, and audacious enough to earn a living using her own wits, instead of siphoning from some sexless husband's trust fund or junk-bond payola. Tempted though I was to unbottle my famous elixir and let her make me a proposition, I was bound to the reporter's higher calling, and instead interviewed her briefly about the goings-on.

She took one look at my red cup and said, "You're not actually a Republican, are you?"

"Of course not, darling. I'm a poet."

I asked if she'd met any actual Republican stags tonight, and she said no, but indicated that she wasn't necessarily opposed to the idea.

"Would you go out with a Republican?" I asked.

She thought it over.

"Yeah," she admitted with a wicked smile. "But I'd never marry one."

So I suppose it's not hopeless for the fellows in oxford cloth. And if all else fails, they can take solace in the fact that the blocks around Times Square and Madison Square Garden still house the occasional nudie joint and XXX theatre—and a professional escort is only a phone call away, giving credence to that old Republican maxim: Why enjoy our God-given delights for free when they can be easily purchased with the blood-money scraped from the back of the workingman?

I'm off to the protest.

Posted by Travis LaFrance at August 29, 2004 10:01 AM
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